Just under a month ago, I ventured into new grounds: college. Little did I know how much God had to teach me about myself and my relationship with Him, even in such short time. Though I had known what it had meant to work hard, this was a new kind of balance; an ocean of readings and assignments that led me to sink under the currents. All of this weighed on me. Back home, I could hold in my frustrations and hide alone in my room; this was not the case on a campus where there is always someone there.
Praise the Lord for that.
For many years, I have struggled with anxiety and continue to do so; a deep fear of rejection and being unloved. My sweet roommate has helped me to see the many places I hide and the many ways I seek validation at the extent of my own wellbeing. My gift of encouragement, I so often distort by trying to overextend myself to feel loved, and spreading myself too thin.
Mistakes lead to a building sense of guilt, a physical shaking of anxiety and pain. I begin to realize that I have not loved the Lord the way I should, I have much healing to do. Though I know much about Him, I have not sought to know Jesus. But in the midst of these heartaches and realizations, I remember that it is well with my soul; that God’s grace extends even to the lowliest, the ones most covered in shame.
I love this quotation: “her need for healing outweighed her desire to hide” (Graceful by Emily P. Freeman). In the words of C.S. Lewis, “to love at all is to be vulnerable.” May you and I trust that God’s love is greater than our past and that the gospel truly changes everything; may we venture to believe that we truly are indeed “fully known and truly loved” (Timothy Keller).