I really don’t know how to begin. I am burdened by the weight of my sins. All of my life has been a striving to be good enough, to please others, to earn others’ affection and love. First with my grades, I felt a sense of control when I did well and could satisfy my parents’s well intentioned desires for me to do well. But that soon became an idol, a master that I could not break free from. God save me!
Then with affection from boys. My appearance never seemed to be good enough. I worried what people thought of me and how I looked. I worried about how people might perceive me never having dated before. Would they think there was something wrong with me? Still I wonder, will I ever be loved in this way?
I tried to be good enough athletically, socially, wisely, but I failed to be the best at anything; I have nothing to offer, but me. For the very first time, I am absolutely lost with no good thing to offer and no solution; no more answers left; no fight left in me. Yet in this, there is a hope of sweet rest. Through my exhaustion of myself and my own resources, there is a stillness and courage and peace.
I do not know what will happen in my years to come or even tomorrow. I know that there will be further battles and struggles coming ahead, and that I am weary to handle them on my own. The enemy will not quit until the end comes, but I have hope that this journey was never meant to be taken alone. God is stronger than anything and His love changes everything. I say these words with a half-empty heart, but believing that God’s breath makes these words come alive.
“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” ~ Psalm 51:17
“Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” ~ 2 Chronicles 20:12
My eyes, Oh Lord, are fixed on You. I cannot fix myself, but I rest in the knowledge that I belong to You, and I am Yours, Abba my Father.