These past couple of months have been mountains and valleys. Most recently, I found myself in an unimaginable place, where I don’t quite have the courage to talk about yet, but hopefully in a future blogpost. But broadly, I found myself in a place where I was not able to be with the friends who have become my sisters, having to be very vulnerable with people I did not know, and feeling helpless and alone.
But through this time, God broke my heart for others and really helped me to see how truly loved I was. Some of my friends visited me and wrote encouraging and beautiful notes. In the time were I felt the most worthless and the weakest, they showed me grace and love. This weekend, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression; two scary words that were so easily hidden by my laughs and smiles.
The most beautiful thing about this past weekend was physically seeing love in action and directed so powerfully towards me; and it has been amazing. But no matter how much I may want to put my faith and gratitude in the friends that I see around me and am constantly with, my time away from them and through their constant and intentional love allowed me to see glimpses of Christ Jesus’s deep and sweet love for me; Oh how He loves.
One of these lovely friends always says to me, “I love you, but nothing compared to the one who loved you first” and those words resonate so deeply within my heart because no matter how much these sweet sisters love me, it is only a reflection and a glimpse of how deeply the Lord loves me. Often these friends have asked me the question, “Do you believe that we love you?” and it shakes me to the core. Do I truly believe that I am loved? That I am valuable and wanted and desired by others? Thank God for these sisters that have continued to pursue and pour love into my needy heart. My prayer is to learn to seek that love first from the Father above and to be filled by Him. Abba, my Father, this is my prayer: that I may be filled and made whole by You, Oh God, my first love.