The sun is shining and the birds are chirping. I never thought it would be so warm. These past few days have been cold, tiring, and exhausting to the core, and now I sit here listening to the sound of worship and the tug of my Savior’s heart that somehow beautifully still beats for me. ❤️
Unwanted. It is a heartbreaking feeling. Wanting to be the center of someone’s affections, longing to be pursued, filled with a heart of desire, yet so full.
The Lord is good. It has never been this hard before. I am used to loving God in the confines and structures of comfortability, but these are new challenges and struggles I have never faced before. Rejoicing when I’m exhausted and cannot keep my eyes open, when I’m afraid of the dangers that lie ahead and my inability to help. Yet even know God reminds me that, in my paraphrased words of sweet Heather Avis, God is in control of every breathe we take and knows it in full, and there is nothing I can do to change His sweet control over that but I can sweetly surrender. He holds life in His hands.

In the midst of these challenges to love when I don’t feel loved in return, to hope when I feel unable to move on, when each day is a moment by moment dependence on the Lord. When my anxiety flares and forgetfulness is rampant, when I cannot understand or fathom why He would love me now and still whisper gently and sweetly to me, when I’m tempted to stop trying so hard and run to the comforts that I know, I rejoice and give thanks that in all this, God is graciously teaching me what it really means to love: for the good and in he bad, in the comfort and the uncomfortable, in the happy times and the sorrows, and truly and most beautifully when it hurts, just like right now, because true love knows no bounds, perseveres and never, ever gives up.

Psalm 3:5-6 has become all the more meaningful to me in these past few days as God teaches me to lean deeply onto His understanding, love resiliently when it hurts the most and feels unreturned, and carries me in His love, moment by moment and step by step because that is all that I can handle and the rest is faith and trust.
Thank you Jesus for taking the time to disciple, refine, sanctify me, and make me more and more like you. ❤️

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