Right now I am sitting in my sweet suite on my beautiful, soft pink sheets with my stuffed animal lamb next to me, listening to the soothing voice of the album Children of God by Phil Wickham. The string lights really make it feel like home and this place is cozy and filled with my belongings and reminders of God’s precious love.
I have just returned from a campus ministry large group. I walked in and a few minutes later I walked out, unnoticed by many, but not too discouraged because I know that God is El Roi, the God who sees. I just want to love and be wanted, and loved. Yet that is my identity, it is who I am in Christ.
Here comes the deep stuff fast because I want you to know before you choose to commit to loving me forever. I am afraid, dearly afraid to love you deeply because of my mess, my sins, my struggles, past, present, and future, yet I long so much for your love; that you would know me deeply and love me like Jesus.
I know you won’t be perfect and I am sorry for the times when I expect you to be, because I expect a perfect standard of myself too and am hard on myself when I cannot reach it, so I am sorry for when that standard reflects on you.
I’m sorry for when my challenges with eating get in the way of me loving others, especially and including you. I cling to healthy foods as a way to gain control, and I hope by this time I have broken out of it, but I pray for and ask for your help.
I want to tell you things I am afraid of and ashamed of: I struggled for a long time with sexuality. I didn’t understand why boys never pursued my heart and thought I had to be gay. Satan whispered lies in my ears that that was who I was supposed to be, but I fought with all of my heart. I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help to shut those lies out and hope in God and in you, too. I still feel shame over those years, I pray and ask for your grace in that and tender love.
I also have really bad anxiety and depression that consumes me, but doesn’t define me: may you help me to remember that and remind me of that. For me this looks like times of sadness that are hard to shake, but that I often masquerade with an heir of happiness and a big smile to cover up the tears and brokenness in my heart. Anxiety sometimes makes me shake with fear, may you hold me when I cry? May you help me meet Jesus in that and point me towards him in everything.
A helpful tip for you: written words of affirmation are my love language. May you meet me in that? What is yours?
I am so very self-conscious of my weight. I worry about every little thing I eat and it makes me feel like a bad person when I don’t eat well. I’m afraid of you knowing my body, it isn’t very beautiful to me. Do you find me beautiful? I hope so.
I worry about my skin color. Do you love me even though it’s dark? I worry about what you will think about my hair. It gets dry really easily and is hard to take care of. Do you still love me? Oh how I hope and pray, even when I wear a scarf on my head at night and constantly worry about how I look. But I know deep inside that I am beautiful because God made me so, and I hope that you see that too.
If you have come to this point in the letter and still want to love me forever, then I am sure that you are the one, and I am incredibly beyond grateful to spend my life with you. I am amazed by your kindness and thankful for your pursuit and partnership in knowing Jesus more together. I love you so much and am praying for you!
I pray our life together would be always aiming towards Christlikeness, filled with joy and laughter and smiles, and inviting others to our table, just as David did for Mephibosheth in my favorite story in the Bible, and just as God does to His table. I love you so much, and thank and praise God for your genuine and gracious love.