At this very moment, the Lord is chasing after my heart, and yours, too, and that is a very beautiful thing. Even this breathe is a part of our story.
These past two days have been really very sweet, filled with lots of laughter and unknown moments that I had to hold tightly onto my daddy’s hand in trust and surrender.
This week is the Tennessee State Fair in Nashville. I have heard stories about the precious memories formed here, and was really excited and nervous to be invited to go to it by a friend, a boy who may be reading this right now, if so, here’s a little piece of my heart laid out for you to see.
It was a date party at the fair, and it was really fun, but an emotional rollercoaster as well in so many small ways. From eating dinner at the pub and breaking free of my rigid eating patterns and addictions to perfection in order to simply be with another person and not let control of what I eat interfere with my ability to love people well. It was a small step in the right direction, I hope.
My sweet mother encouraged me to simply be myself, because she knows something I hope dearly to believe about myself; that I am worthy of love and affection; that I have intrinsic value as created in the image of the King.
How sweet a time was the fair with lots of rides and activities, but there was a loneliness that penetrated the time and a fear that filled my heart. Why me? Throughout the past almost two decades of this life, no man has ever noticed me and invited me. Why now, I thought, why me? I am the messiest of messes, and unconventional in just about every way possible. Brokenness is something I know all too well, and feelings of unworthyness.
If you really knew me, you would know that intentionality and being invited is something that is really special to me. This morning at Church (Midtown Fellowship), I loved what was said: fear reveals our need and limitations in relation to God. He said that our longings are “the echoes of Eden in our hearts.” I love that.
My fear of unrequited love reveals my longing for God to love me.
“I want to be in relationship with others because God wants to be in relationship with me and to bring me into relationship with others.
My longings reflect who he is and what He longs for, and the cross is a picture of my value and my divine worth in God.”
Oh how sweet that I don’t have to run or try to stuff down my feelings and vulnerabilities, but that they reveal a God who loves me and wants for me to know that I have value and worth in Him. In this adventurous journey with Jesus and brokenness of myself, my daddy holds my hand every step of the way and continues to write my story and show me the way back to Eden, the way back to His side in eternity with Him, dancing in the arms of my loving Father and King.