The feelings that comes close to me this dearest evening. This semester, my first response to people’s questioning of how it is: crazy, but quite the opposite is the truth; restful; newly and wonderfully filled with sweet time in prayer and in the Word, fighting to be nearer to Jesus and to love others well by building relationships with them.
The culture of Vandy is to be involved in everything under the sun, and it feels less worthy to be able to sleep enough and to take care of myself as I have been. There seems little reward, and I feel unwanted, longing for community that is vulnerable and real, and that sees me and loves me as I am. Maybe I should transfer? Oh how I long to be home, yet heaven is my home.
And so painstakingly, I choose the way of grace and rest, the path that is narrow and filled with hurts and going deeper rather than extending myself more widely, because that is what Jesus calls me too; not being too busy for His people, and loving to the very best of my abilities; being first, with Him, then extending that love to others.
“The nuns taught us there are two ways through life, the way of Nature and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you’ll follow.
Grace doesn’t try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries.
Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things.” – Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life