Many times I head myself for not crying in the moments that events happen, when everyone else is. It is in the moments when I am all alone that it truly gets to me and when the tears begin to well up in my eyes, they cannot help but continue to flow.

Sometimes it takes time for the tears to flow, but it is worth waiting for until the tears come, to let it all pour out to Jesus for healing. In the words of Ed Sheeran, “a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.” To hurt expresses a heart that has loved and been loved by others, and that is beautiful. Tears mean we cared so deeply about someone or something, and when they leave, it hurts, and that’s okay.

This morning, my best friend left. We only met a couple weeks ago, but this time when the tears began to flow, they came in uncontrollable sobs and in the form of weeping. The definition of best in the merriam webster is excelling all others. It doesn’t have to mean a long time and she certainly does that in many ways. I like to think of best friends not in terms of length, because I have known some people my whole life, but know little about them nor am affected by their presence so dearly as this one. I like to think there are many who are close and precious to me, who exemplify to me a steadfast and lasting love through weird and crazy times, as well as joyful and pain-filled ones, and this dear friend is one of them.

To weep, an outpour of tears, those which flow from a deeper well of hurt. This morning as my friend departed, thousands of miles away, the tears began to flow. Never at an opportune moments as I drove to fight new battles of eating disorders (more on that to come). And my thoughts went to David, the one who wrote Psalms. He wrote:

“I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” – Psalm 6:6

David cries out deeply to the Lord because he is in great hurt. He writes also, “Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll — are they not in your record?” (Psalm 56:8)And so too do I write, Lord, hear my cries, embrace your little girl as she aches for the presence of her friend, as she cries for the decade of lies that she is always too much and not enough at the very same time, and simply wants to be just enough. Tears welled up in my eyes as I walked and stumbled across the bridge, struggling to make it one foot in front of the other to classes. Tears begging to be fought for in this ache to be walked with and held; carried really.

The Lord gives and He takes away. Sometimes people are in our lives in certain seasons and then we must let them go and become all that God has planned for them, but it isn’t easy. It is in the seasons where they leave that the weeping often follows. And in the midst of it, as in the words of Job, a man afflicted by much suffering,

“The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21)

And these words from a sweet song ring and resonate in my ears:

“Flood this heart with assurance of Your mercy 
Fill this mind with knowledge of Your love 
Hold me fast through the deep and steady current 
How long, how long ‘till these tears are gone? 

Every hour, awake me to Your presence 
Shine Your light, brighter than the dawn 
Send Your joy, illuminate the darkness 
How long, how long ‘till these tears are gone? 

I’ll fix my eyes on eternity above 
Where every lie, is uncovered by Your love 
I’ll fix my eyes on eternity above 
Where every lie, every shadow is uncovered by Your love 

Lord You hear, the pleading of the faithful 
I search for You, hide not Your face 
Here I wait, a shell among the ruins 
How long, how long ‘till these tears are gone?”

How long, how long ’till these tears are gone? Lord, your faithfulness will sustain me in the waiting. I take refuge and delight in you and bring to you this weeping and these flooding tears, for my soul knows and trusts that You are good. When I cannot understand and the hurt is deep, I trust your heart.

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